Russian history starts when the Eastern Slavs and Finno-Ugric peoples start to settle down and establish a state, and they open relations with the Byzantines and adopt Christianity.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Genghis came (in the winter, mind you) and in less than three years, the Mongols completely destroyed the young state of Rus', killing over half it's people.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
The Mongol Empire collapsed, leaving a power void in Asia. Russia reestablished itself as the Grand Duchy, and then the Tsardom, but it took a very long time before Russia could be considered a regional power.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
In the age of Empire, Russia, with no warm water ports, could not expand across the seas, and was blocked by powerful Germany/HRE/Austria in the West, so they expanded East, and the more they expanded, the more clear it was that Russia was forming an identity for itself that was somehow different from the rest of Europe. As the empire grew, it also grew more isolated. They fell behind, economically and socially. Feudalism in the form of lords and serfs existed in Russia until 1861, but when it was abolished, it only made the lower classes even poorer. In 1906 a constitution was written, but the Aristocracy rejected it.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
World War 1 began. It was kind of Russia's fault, they were the first to mobilize their military (well, they somehow managed to sneak around using the word "mobilize" so that after the war they could point the finger at Germany, who mobilized in response to Russia's "totally-not-a-mobilization") Russia was not ready for the war, the people didn't want the war, they had no stake in the squabbles of Balkan powers,
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Revolution! The Tsars were kicked out in March of 1917, and were replaced by the Russian Republic.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Revolution! The Russian Republic was kicked out by the Bolsheviks in the Red October, establishing the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic, led by Vladmir Lenin. They made peace with the Germans and Austrians, and consolidated power for the next several years, socializing every business they possibly could, and then forming the USSR.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Lenin died, and the Communist Party was fractured into two groups, led by Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky. Stalin came out on top, and killed Trotsky and exiled his followers. He then began a long reign of terror. Millions of people were killed by his order. Dissidents were sent to hard labor camps in Siberia, whence they never returned.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
It's Hitler time, everybody! That's right, the nutty German himself suddenly invaded in June 1941, and by November they had captured Ukraine and much of the Russian countryside, and were camped outside the gates of Moscow and Leningrad. But, Stalin, with his innovative and brilliant strategy (throw worthless grunts at them until they run out of bullets) began to push the Germans back, eventially all the way to Berlin. Overall, the war costed 30 million soviet deaths.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
The war was expensive, and took an extreme toll on the Soviet economy and it's population. But, they managed to hang on, they stole nuclear technology from the United States, and then began developing it themselves. The space race happened, yada yada
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
For very complicated reasons, not limited to overspending on nuclear and space technology and military, and the general lack of concern for it's people, the Soviet Union declined, and eventually soffered widespread economic collapse and public outrage, especially when Gorbachev instituted his "glasnost" policy, which revealed decades of repression and deception. A coup threw Gorbachev out of power, but the coup government itself only lasted three days, leaving a new power vacuum. The government of the various Soviet Republics took over administrative control from the old central Soviet government, and soon, the Communist Party was banned (though the ban was never actually enforced). Yeltsin, the president of Russia, reorganized the country, and tried to rescue the economy in every way he could, including privatization of as many industries as possible as fast as possible.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Yeltsin's privatization wasn't well planned and was much too fast. It opened the door for criminal mafias and greedy corporations to seize economic power, and soon Russia effectively had an Oligarchic Aristocracy again, just like in the 19th century. The country wasn't able to get out of it's depression before the 1998 financial crisis, which decimated the economy again, and forced Yeltsin to resign.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Vladmir Putin. Ex-KGB officer, often reminisces about the glory of the Soviet era. He won a landslide victory in every election under suspicious circumstances, he took control of the Parliament, but pretended to uphold the constitution by letting his head of staff win the election after his second term, because the constitution says presidents cannot serve more than two consecutive terms, but as soon as Medvedev's first term ended, Putin won another landslide victory. All the while, political opponents of Putin disappear, or die in unexpected, tragic accidents.
[red]And then things got worse.[/red]
Putin invaded Georgia, and then Ukraine, paving the way for a new Russian Empire, just as unequal and authoritarian as any other.
And that's Russian history for you.
Edit: thanks for the discussion and the gold guys. This clearly isn't a perfectly factual account of Russian history, but we all learned something today, and had a good laugh too. Keep being awesome.
Also, Leningrad detail fixed by popular demand. I'm leaving the Hitler German/Austrian bit though, for reasons explained below, and I probably should have included Napoleon, but I don't have the time to work him into the narrative, so he's going to get a mention down here instead, and I'll assume you all know the story.